REAL LOVE—What is it & How to Get Yours!
by Lisa Peyton-Caire
 Let me let you in on a little secret; the key to unlocking real love in your life. This secret is priceless and will open up a new world of possibilities to you in every area of your life, not the least of which is your love life. If you act on this secret immediately and position it as your fundamental guiding principle, you will experience abounding, satisfying, energizing love like never before.
Are you ready for the secret? Here it goes…
The secret to finding and keeping real love in your life is to first LOVE YOURSELF!
Are you surprised by the answer? Feel a little let down? Were you expecting an elaborate, psychoanalytical response, or a twelve-point bulleted list to direct you down the path? Does this sound like an old cliché repackaged as new-age self-help mumbo jumbo; or an oversimplified answer to a complex issue—the issue of love?
Well I hope you answered no to all of those questions and that you walk with me for a moment as I unwrap this very simple but fundamental truth.
THE FIRST STEP: UNDERSTANDING WHAT LOVE IS & WHAT IT ISN'T
There is no dearth of definitions for love. Many of the oldest and most sacred texts in the world define love for us. One of my favorites is the characterization of love found in the Holy Bible. It goes like this…
Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes
all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. (Excerpt from 1 Corinthians 13)
Medical doctor and spiritual teacher Deepak Chopra adds yet another dimension to the meaning of love:
The spiritual meaning of love is measured by what it can do. Love is meant to heal. Love is meant to renew. Love is meant to bring us closer to God.
Both of these descriptions tell us a bit about the character of love. Love is an action. It does not sit stagnant. It is a powerful, living force, that when released or received, has the power to transform things, to transform people and to transform circumstances.
But as we honestly ponder these two definitions of love, how many of us can truly say that the love we give and receive on a daily basis meets these criteria? Do we love with patience, kindness, and without selfish, arrogant demands of our partners and loved ones? Do we love in honesty as well as in forgiveness when we feel wronged by those closest to us? Do we love with an open heart that is gentle and flexible rather than harsh and temperamental? Do we see love merely as a romantic venture designed to make us feel good rather than as a mutual exchange of something far deeper and eternal? Does the love we receive renew us, heal us, bring us closer to God; and more importantly, does the love we GIVE to others do these things?
Moreover, do we love ourselves with this unconditional acceptance, or are we our own greatest critics? Do we know ourselves well enough or regard ourselves highly enough to give the kind of love we want so deeply and to receive it in return? These questions may seem exhaustive, but before we can move ahead on our quest for real love, we have to answer these questions with complete honesty. Let’s think about it.
REAL LOVE STARTS WITH THE WOMAN IN THE MIRROR
 Our relationships with others are only as emotionally healthy, happy, holy and content as our relationships with ourselves.
This is a great quote I stumbled upon on Oprah’s web site left by one of her guests, Sarah Ban Breathnach, Founder & Creator of Simple Abundance. Of course Ms. Breathnach was not the first to arrive at this revelation, but her quote said it better than any other I could find. Her point and that of others who have made the same assertion is that until we deal with our inner life, our inner heart, and our inner love of self, there can be no true, lasting, healthy love between us and another person.
This revelation is so very important in an age where long-term, loving, committed relationships seem impossible for so many people. Marriage rates have declined for all Americans, while divorce rates have soared, and single women of all races and ethnicities complain about the near impossibility of finding a suitable mate. A recent report from the New York Times asserted that 51% of American women are living single lives. This is in addition to what we already know about Black women and couples; that roughly 42% of Black women and 43% of Black men have never married, within the backdrop of an overall Black marriage rate of roughly 41%. This means that nearly 60% of African Americans are single or divorced.
Now let's qualify these statistics a little. There are clearly some women who are living single by choice and who are quite satisfied. Others have long-term partners with whom they are very happy, and therefore don't register on the rolls of of those who are "married". However, we can all honestly agree that there are a great many of us who are single, unsatisfied, lonely, desperate for true intimate companionship, and yearning for someone to spend our lives with. There are also those of us who are unhappily married and stuck in loveless or deeply troubled, emotionally distant relationships with our spouses. Marriage in and of itself is not a guarantee of happiness. At the end of the day, we all want real love in our lives, but it often seems elusive and unlikely for us.
But does it have to be this way? Absolutely not! Don't give in to this negative thinking or to the myth that love is beyond your reach. This is only the way things seem. I truly believe that real love awaits every human being if we simply prepare ourselves to attract it. But again, how do we do this? How do we get there?
The thing we must realize is that finding, experiencing, and keeping real, genuine, fulfilling love in our lives only comes by doing the tough, sometimes agonizing inner work of getting to know ourselves which includes understanding our strengths, our shortcomings, our gifts, and uncovering our life's purpose. Likewise, we have to have the patience to go through this process, refusing to release ourselves from it prematurely. (We must also understand the social and economic dynamics that contribute to the undermining of marriage in our communities--but that's another article).
Our relationships with others are only as emotionally healthy, happy, holy and content as our relationships with ourselves.
--Sarah Ban Breathnach |
Before I go any further, let me say emphatically that I am not speaking as an expert in love, but as an individual who has observed love close-up and from afar as a confidante to many friends and associates, and as a married woman of nearly 14 years. I have listened to countless accounts of failed love, have witnessed failed romances and marriages, including that of my parents, and have lent a shoulder to many a baffled friend caught up in the hot pursuit of love only to be left disappointed by another unsuccessful love connection. Yet I remain encouraged by the few sparkling examples of solid, committed, sustained love that I have also been blessed to observe over the years.
In my own case, having married very young and starting a family immediately, I look back and realize that my husband and I had very little time to get to know one another before taking on some of life’s biggest responsibilities and challenges. We married at a time where we were both still finding ourselves, still maturing, still uncovering our passions and abilities, and working diligently to lay the foundation for future success as we saw it—attending college, acquiring our first real jobs, etc.---all in the midst of raising a family, which expanded very rapidly.
Needless to say, we struggled in our relationship to communicate, to fully internalize one another’s needs, to merge our visions, and to balance the many responsibilities we juggled between us. It has taken the better part of the 14 years we’ve been together, with a painstakingly slow learning curve, to develop the capacity to truly hear, see, understand, internalize, and respond to one another's unique needs--and we have still not perfected the art of loving one another. It's a work in progress. So believe me when I say that everything I am suggesting to you I too am applying to my own love life. I too have had to go back to the drawing board--back to the essence of ME--to take that deep inner look at who Lisa really is, what Lisa is all about, and what Lisa needs to do to develop herself, to develop healthier thoughts and behaviors, and to evolve into the woman I was called to be as an individual and as my husband's life partner.
FALLING IN LOVE WITH Y-O-U: What does it mean and how do we get started?
 What does it mean to love yourself? It means being brave enough, honest enough, and deliberate enough to spend the time digging under the surface. It means embracing the unique individual you are--not in a selfish, conceited, vain manner, but in the sense of being completely aware of your true heart, your deepest beliefs and motivations, and being aware and confident of your God-given purpose in life.
How many of us truly love the persons we see when we look in the mirror? How many of us have taken the time to truly get to know ourselves, to develop ourselves as individuals, to embrace our giftedness, to confront and repair our vices, and to repair the broken places in our hearts? How many of us believe that we are worth this time and effort, and most of all, that we are worthy of a genuine, satisfying, committed, and uncompromising love? Let's consider another interesting quote I recently heard from noted African American historian and world traveler Runoko Rashidi:
How we treat ourselves depends on what we think of ourselves. What we think of ourselves depends on what we know of ourselves, and what we know of ourselves depends on what we’ve been taught.
What have you been taught about yourself? What messages have you heard all of your life about you from those closest to you? Have these messages been positive and affirming, or demeaning and disparaging? Is the woman you are—that reflection in the mirror—an image that you have created for yourself, or is she a figment of someone else's imagination, someone else's making? Is she capable of loving herself, or is she full of self-doubt and insecurity? Is she optimistic about her present and future, or is she stuck in the hurts and disappointments of her past, distrustful of others and doubtful about love? Is she conscientious about where she is headed in life? Does she have a vision and a purpose outside of anyone else? Is she purpose driven? Can she give love freely and receive it in return?
Furthermore, ask yourself what beliefs you have about love and how these beliefs shape your behavior in relationships.
Did you witness healthy, happy, loving relationships as a child, or were the relationships you observed, whether those of your parents or other adults, full of conflict, discord, heartache and distrust? Were abuse and/or neglect a part of your experience? Do you permit or tolerate these destructive forces in your relationships, or have you faced these demons head-on and banished them from your inner and outer life? Are you attracting or creating healthy love?
These questions may seem silly, but you would be surprised by the number of people who struggle to answer them or who are afraid to look this deeply within. But questioning is where true learning begins, and I urge everyone reading this to begin the process of questioning yourself at the deepest levels--starting today--as a necessary step in the direction of real love.
A few more questions to ask yourself on your journey to self-love & self-awareness:
- What unique gifts and talents do I bring to the world?
- What are the core values, beliefs and assumptions about the world and the universe that drive me as an individual?
- Which of my core values, beliefs and assumptions are healthy and/or unhealthy, and how do I begin to challenge and rethink the unhealthy values, beliefs, and assumptions that are blocking my growth, development, and my ability to give and receive love?
- What patterns can I identify that have characterized my relationships? Are these patterns healthy or destructive? How can I enhance the healthy patterns and redirect the destructive ones in a positive way?
- Am I comfortable and secure with myself? Am I comfortable being alone? If not, why?
- What things bring me true joy and satisfaction in my life? Am I practicing these on a regular basis? Am I sharing these with others?
There are dozens more questions that we could ask, and I am certain that as you go through this list, you'll generate more that are unique to your circumstances. Don't hesitate to write them down, to journal about them, and to return to them again and again until you feel you can truly answer them, and can see the transformation begin to unfold in your heart, in your mind and in your actions.
THE PRIZE AT THE END OF THE JOURNEY: TRUE LOVE
Imagine if you were able to answer the questions above with great confidence. Imagine the personal transformation that would take place in your heart, mind, and your actions as you confronted and worked through your issues at the deepest levels, and the peace and clarity that would replace the areas of doubt and insecurity. Imagine how whole and personally satisfied you would feel to truly know yourself inside and out and to have taken the time to uncover the woman you really are and are destined to be.
Imagine if the two people in the photo to the left had both engaged in this essential inner work, both secure in themselves, both understanding their unique gifts and purpose; both honoring and respecting one another's giftedness; each able to give and receive love without hang-ups or old baggage clouding their vision. Imagine the power of these two people coming together to complement one another, merging their gifts together while supporting one another in their individual pursuits. Imagine the life they could create together, the mountains they could move, and the sparks that would fly between them (whew)! We all want some of that!
Notice that I said "complement one another" in referencing the lovely couple. I point this out to make one single but critical point, which is that the notion of finding someone who will complete you is a myth. No one will come along and make you whole, fill in your empty spaces, or transform you into the person you were meant to be. While others can help us in this process through love, only you and your Creator can truly transform the person that you are and make you whole in mind, body and spirit. But once you have become whole, you are in a position to offer yourself as a full person to someone else--attracting someone of like spirit. I am thoroughly convinced that when two whole, self-assured, self-aware people come together to form a union, each having done the inner work that we’ve spoken of--that the end result can be nothing short of wonderful, blissful and POWERFUL!
No one will come along and make you whole, fill in your empty spaces, or transform you into the person you were meant to be. While others can help us in this process through love, only you and your Creator can truly transform the person that you are and make you whole in mind, body and spirit.
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Now back to the photo! Imagine yourself in this photo--with a new love, or with a transformed love with your current partner or spouse. Imagine the sweetness of this embrace, the loving words exchanged, and the comforting warmth and security the two of you share. Do you believe that you can experience this? Are you ready to get your real love?
Do you believe by now that Y-O-U have the power to generate this love in your life? Imagine the possibilities, and remember these parting words as you accept the challenge today to get the real love that is yours to claim:
If we want real love, we have to be willing to give real love; and to be in a position to give real love, we've got to have it already within us.
Get to work today starting with the woman in the mirror!
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